April 5, 2019, if God’s willing, I will turn 22 years old. What am I supposed to be doing and how should I act as I turn 22?
Over the past years, I’ve been messing around, questioning about passion, purpose, significance, value, self-worth, and contentment. It all came from a standpoint of combined fears, worries and doubts- the top emotions holding people back. To be clear and exact, it all started with a dream, a dream maybe inspired by the feeling of being deprived. Well, I can say that I got all I needed but not what I wanted. Nonetheless, I’m super grateful for what I am and where I’ve been.
I was really that kind of a dreamer. I dreamed of becoming an accountant, so I followed the track but I failed, then I abandoned the dream and shifted to a bigger dream. I dreamed of cozy house over viewing mountains and wide green garden. I dreamed of car, a travel and the companion. I dream of a loving community, seeing a brighter future behind every child’s smile. I dream of a progressive society, having the balanced economy. I have a head full of dreams- dreams not to be put in writing but in action. But as I turn older, I started to contemplate what my dreams really mean to me. It’s not actually the dream, it’s the why.
Like others, I can say that being in my early 20’s is the stage of confusion. It’s not that I don’t know yet what I really want, but it’s the doubt of being capable of being it and being unsure if it’s really His plan. I’m fully aware of a bigger responsibility ahead of me. Shifting to “less of me, more of you” perspective scares me. Afraid of being judged that I might be using His name on becoming a vessel in the marketplace, not on the normal so called “charity/not for profit organization”. My mind and heart is still battling weather to fully submit to an organization of His, afraid of deviating myself from the common touch of people I value nor met in life, just because we are divided by religion, afraid of being religious, yet unspiritual. There are a lot of questions running on my mind right now.
As I look back over the 22 years of my life, the myopic situation starts to fade. The famous Steve Job quote says ” You can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backward”. Looking backward, there are events in my life that I can’t appreciate which caused me to question why- why me? But I didn’t know that He has paved the path in order for me to see clearly and fully appreciate the past, present and the bright future lying ahead of me. Looking forward, yet looking backward, being 22 means having more years ahead of me. For the next years of my life, I see myself doing what I really love, less complaining , living my life 24/7 – not for the weekends , not for the holidays. Reverse engineering life, I don’t want to be the 50 year-old me, full of regrets, wondering what if I’ve done this, what if, what if, what if. I got all I needed and I couldn’t ask for more. I had more than enough, I wanted a life well lived.
Note: Inspired by Observations on Turning Eighty-Two by Charlie Daniels
PS: I was trying to edit this article but decided not to, since I am not 22 anymore.